As the morning light begins to pass through my shades I lay half awake in bed, with the soft duvet against my skin, thoughts running through my mind reflecting on the past year. It feels like a slow transition for me to step into it this time around, just as I’m waking up slowly, my dreams still lingering in my head, not fully present in this realm yet. There’s still so much I’m integrating from these past couple of months.
This year, I have let it all fall apart - all my plans, goals, visions. It has all broken into pieces so I can rearrange and build up something entirely new, a truer, more beautiful version. This year has softened and humbled me. It made me realise how completely unpredictable and uncertain life is and how all I can do is surrender and go with the flow.
It was the year I’ve started therapy (it’s funny how this came first.) It was the year I have at last finished my medical degree(!). It was the year I’ve committed to 1:1s with one of my favourite teachers. It was the year I have reconnected deeper to my family. It was the year I went solo traveling for the first time. It was the year I have started to allow myself to do ‘nothing’ even if only for limited amounts of times.
It was also the year of feeling it all. Joy, heartbreaks, anger, frustration, grief, excitement, fear, courage... It is so undeniably human, so precious to be able to feel such a wide spectrum of emotions.
I felt tender as I finished university that has taken so much of me. I felt like I have used up all my courage, faith, devotion to power through.
I felt overwhelming joy having the freedom to arrange my days as I wished these past few moths.
I felt like someone pulled the rug out from beneath me as I have started clearly seeing my deeply rooted patterns running in all areas of my life, from professional to romantic during our talks with my psychologist.
I felt heartbroken as I have said goodbye to my closest friend again and again, as she would travel back to her home in a different country.
I felt deeply grateful for getting to connect with incredible people through my work, at retreats, over social media, at classes.
I felt fragile as I have opened up my heart to a possibility of a new romance more than once and each time it was already gone with the wind before it even had a chance to unfold.
I felt humbled in my work, realising that building something as new and different and grand as I have a clear vision of, takes time.
I felt proud for holding all this space for myself to slow down, be in the void and embrace uncertainty.
I felt nourished like never before by my friendships.
I felt touched by the pure beauty of sunsets, nature, the seasons changing more and more.
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There’s so much strength tangled in with all these emotions. Strength in the holding space for it all to come to surface.
It has taken me so much strength to surrender. To allow. To stay with it. To feel.
For the first time in my life I have given myself an immense amount of space compared to my previous way of living. Perhaps it was this space I held for myself that let me feel it all.
Maybe it took me this new kind of strength to soften, to be able to feel the heaviness but also to feel into the ease offered by life.
As many people are already making their plans for 2023, I’m still keen on just laying around here in this liminal space, soaking in all the lessons, dwelling in my feelings and memories a little longer.
After all, the Lunar new year starts with this upcoming Aquarius new moon and the astrological new year won’t start for another 2 months or so and we’re still in the depth of winter on this side of the world.
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~ My favourite ways of dwelling in my feelings
- long walks with some good tunes
- practicing restorative first thing in the morning in this half awake state
- moving my body in new ways, dancing is a must
- morning pages… still. always.
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~ Offerings
- you can still join us at the February Retreat 3-5th, with the Leo full moon shining bright as we spend a day in silence over this long weekend full of rest, deep nourishment and lasting connections
- you can join a Rest class this Saturday at 10.30 online to rest under the Cancer full moon together
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I hope you are able to take your time to ease into this new year yourself and fill yourself up in this in between space
So much love,
Zsófi